Agudah Girls (1993)

Sung to California Girls by The Beach Boys (1963)

I wrote this in 1987 in Atlanta, where I performed it for the 1987 Purim play at Beth Jacob Synagogue. After moving to Maryland, I renamed the song and revised the lyrics to make it more Baltimore- and DC-centric when performing it at Orthodox Jewish singles events.

Agudah is the familiar name of Agudath Israel, the “arm and voice of Orthodox Jewry in America.” Many American synagogues bear the name Agudath Israel.

First, The Beach Boys singing California Girls:

Agudah Girls (1993)

The girls of New York City make the-most-t’sniyus* wives of all, (*modest in manner and dress)

’Cause the high-heeled maidels* at Lincoln Square** (*maidens) (**a chic Manhattan synagogue)

They only wink out in the hall.

The Crown Heights* girls will whisper pearls (Brooklyn Lubavitch Hasidic stronghold)

Of tanya* till it’s light, (*wisdom of the founder of Hasidism)

And the fashion mavens of Boro Park* (*an upscale Orthodox neighborhood in Brooklyn)

I wish they’d find their way to Agudah,

I wish they’d come to stay at Agudah,

I wish they all would pray as Agudah girls.

If you need an aishes chayel* (*”woman of valour,” virtuous wife)

A Bais Yaakov* girl will do, (*an elementary and secondary school for Orthodox Jewish girls)

But if you wanna prima donna or an uptown type,

Then a Stern* girl’s right for you. (*Stern College for Women at Yeshiva University)

You-can-take your stand in the Holy Land

And find a sabra* on each street, (*Israeli Jew)

Or catch a ballit t’chuvah doll by the Western Wall (*born-again; a formerly nonreligious Jew)

And make her dad help ya make ends meet.

I wish they’d find their way to Agudah,

I wish they’d come to stay at Agudah,

I wish they all would pray as Agudah girls.

The Jewish girls of Bethesda cook the choicest cholent* around, (a thick, slow-cooked Sabbath stew)

And the ladies-in-Mercedes down in Silver Spring,

They heat the best frozen challahs* in town; (*twisted bread loaf eaten on the Sabbath)

The JAPs* at Hopkins Hillel can-really make your house a home, (Jewish American princesses)

And if-ya-holla for a kallah* with conservative dress, (*bride)

Ya oughtta swing by Or Shalom*. (a Conservative Jewish synagogue)

I wish they’d find their way to Agudah,

I wish they’d come to stay at Agudah,

I wish they all would pray as Agudah girls.

My time’s come ’round to settle down and start me a family life,

But I can’t seem to find me a nice Jewish girl to make this nice Jewish boy a wife.

I’ve played-the-shidduch-scenes from Miami to Queens ’til I just can’t play no more; (*matchmaking)

Maybe Momma was right when she said last night,

“Son, the best girls are right next door.”

I wish they’d find their way to Agudah,

I wish they’d come to stay at Agudah,

I wish they all would pray as Agudah girls.

I wish they’d find their way to Agudah,

I wish they’d come to stay at Agudah,

I wish they all would pray as Agudah girls.

I wish they’d find their way to Agudah …